


The Golden Hair

by orphan_account



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Hair Pulling, Other, Scratching, Self Harm, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-13 07:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2141724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ross wants Danny to love him, but how can he manage to make that happen? Maybe he should change himself...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Golden Hair

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: major character death, self harm through scratching, and hair pulling. Alcohol drinking.
> 
> Sad, ((I even cried while writing this.))

Ross was laying in bed. His eyes were stuck on a single crack in the ceiling. He had realised that he liked his friend Danny. It had been a while that this feeling in the pit of his stomach had been around. Every close interaction made his breath catch in his throat, and his mind go numb. Ross wasn't stupid, but around Danny he certainly felt like he was. Stumbling over his words, unable to form coherent thoughts, and Dan either thought that was how Ross was, or that it was an act. In a way, both statements were a little true.

Ross had stopped sleeping, he hadn't slept more than thirty minuets each day in the last week. He would sit and contemplate, sometimes try and work on an animation. He'd do something, anything to keep himself busy. But he would always run out of things to do to keep his mind from wandering. In those moments of complete silence Ross would play back everything Dan had said. Somehow he would remember things, and they would be burned into Ross' mind. There were a few things Ross couldn't shake.

"I just really like blondes." The words echoed in his mind. Each syllable bounced from one side to the other. Ross stood, he couldn't keep still. He padded into the bathroom and flicked on the light. "I just really like blondes." Ross whispered into the mirror looking at his hair. He touched his light brown hair and ran it between his fingers. "Blondes." He murmured to his reflection in the mirror. He picked one strand out from the bunch, and quickly pulled it out. He kept murmuring 'blondes' as he pulled singular strands of hair out. "I could be blonde." He whispered pulling out another hair, a small pile had slowly accumulated on the bathroom counter. "I will be blonde." He pulled out another. "Yes, I will be blonde." He pulled out two in one quick motion and stopped there. He had made up his mind, he would go blonde for Danny. At the very least he would see what he did to Ross.

***

Ross was side tracked. He kept thinking about his hair, he was going to bleach it that night. He wondered how blonde he should go, and what Dan would think. He pushed his hands through his hair, contemplating the reason he was doing this.

"Ross!" He heard his name called by a less than pleased Arin. "What are you doing." He growled out before lightly punchinghim in the arm. "Owwww," Ross whined dramatically.

"Sorry, I was just zoned out." He said his words trailing off. He had forgotten about the others, what would they think when he came in with blonde hair. What would they wonder. They would ask why, would he be truthful. Maybe, it might have depended on Dan.

The day was hazy, and Ross could recall little of it. Maybe there was a little bit of banter, and maybe there was some sweeter moments. It was the first time in a long time Ross couldn't remember everything Dan had said. He didn't feel it, or see it on the backs of his eye lids. There was still only that one sentance. 'I just really like blondes'

***

Ross burst through the door to his home quickly. Holly was gone for a few days, so he knew it was the perfect time. He walked into the kitchen, Orph was laying across the floor. Ross knelt down and pet Orph for a while, whispering and cooing sweet words to the cat. When he stood up he felt a pang of dizziness and shook his head.

He was starting to contemplate not bleaching his hair. As the thoughts formed in his mind he made his way to the cabinet where they kept alcohol. He grabbed the first bottol he could and didn't look at the label. He quickly gulped down some of the liquid, a burning sensation in his throat. He drank enough to feel giddy, and then walked to the bathroom. He brought the alcohol with him,a long with a bleaching kit. He sat against the bathtub and sighed. He read the directions as best he could. His mind was swimming a little bit.

He ended up diving right in. He poured the bleach on to his hair except for what was closest to the roots. The kit had a special bleach for that. He put the special bleach on his roots and then waited. He would take a swig of alcohol everytime he contemplated washing the bleach out. He thought about Dan. His mind started swirling around the possibilities of his reaction. Maybe Dan would see him and be instantly happy with it, he would love Ross. Ross knew that that was a sad outlook, that the only reason Danny loved him in that outcome was due to his hair.

He felt a strange sensation crossing his stomach, and slowly filling his body. It was almost a heat, and it started to feel like burning. He clutched his stomach. Quickly little red half moons appeared on his stomach. But the pain quelled the burning in his stomach. When he stopped it returned. Ross started to expirament, his hands shakey from the alcohol. He ran his fingers across his stomach lightly. A little bit of the bleach mixture dripped from his hair and landed on his shoulder. There was a slight burn and it quelled the pain in his stomach for a moment. Running his fingers back and forth Ross sucked in a breath.

The small sound of nails against skin echoed through the silent bathroom. Ross let his breath out in a hiss, but smiled. The heat stopped for a while. But it came back, and roared to life in Ross stomach, he scratched again. This time it wasn't enough, so he repeated, running his nails across the same red patch of skin. He continued until little dots of blood seeped through the small places that broke the skin. He cooed out a pleased noise.

His hands scratched at his stomach until there were little red dots and drops of blood all over. He slowly made his way up his chest. It was a little bit harder here, it hurt more. But Ross kept scratching, and taking swigs of alcohol until his vision was fuzzy and his chest was as scratched as his stomach. He stood and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked at the scratches, picked out which ones were likely to scar. He trailed his eyes up and looked at his neck. It felt so empty to him, so bare.

Carefully he traced his nails against it. He started by scratching 'blonde' into his neck. He knew not to go too deep, but it was almost comforting. The deep heat hadn't returned since he had picked up the scratching. After scratching blonde in and making deep red coloured marks and likely a few bruises he moved to scratching over it. He only scratched twice, he didn't want to mar the work he had already done.

He moved to the bath and started the shower. He bent over the rim of the tub and let the water pour down and rinse his hair. He kept the water cold, and rinsed out the bleach. He felt the cold water hit his neck and he shivered. Quickly he stripped and hopped into the shower. The stream of cold ran down his body. He quivered at the feeling of his scratches and pulled out a single hair. It was light, feathery looking. It almost looked ghostly to him. He plucked a few more out, all of them were bright.

Turning off the water Ross stepped out of the bath. His scratches were aching, and he felt tired. He wrapped the towel around his waist and slowly walked to the bedroom. His legs wobbled, and his head was spining. He fell against the bed and sank into it. His fingers pulled at the other side of the bed and he scrambled to get his whole body on. Once he had finally layed out on the end of the bed, he quickly fell asleep.

***

Ross sat in the car nervously clicking his tounge. What was he going to do. He had put a light blue scarf around his neck, covering the bandages. It was, however, not the season for scarves, and he never wore them anyway. They would all know something was up. His eyes had deep dark crickes underneath them, and his head pounded at the slightest noise or light. He sucked his breath in and held it for a while. He wondered if he could hold it until he died, but he knew that was unlikely. He let his breath out and panted a little. He needed to go in, something had to happen and he couldn't avoid this. Each step felt like the earth was pulling him down. Each moment took his breath away, and felt like someone was holding a lighter just close enough to sear skin.

At the door he brought his hand up to knock again and again. He knew he could have just walked in, but somehow he felt like a stranger. Like he had changed over the course of one night, and now he wasn't the same Ross. He pulled his hand up, shaking uncontrollably. He whimpered as he knocked on the warm wood of the door. He heard gentle murmuring, likely of wondering who would be at their door, knocking.

Quickly the door opened and Arin stood there. It felt like there was no air between them. Ross' mind was empty, blank on ideas of how to explain what had happened. Arin ,on the other hand, his mind was racing. He had so many questions and observations. 'Why are you wearing a scarf' 'your hair is blonde now' 'were you drinking' 'what shit did you do to yourself' 'who is this because of?' Arin knew that Ross probably did this because of his feelings for someone.

"Come on in Ross." Arin said. The distance between them was small, but Arin felt that Ross wasn't all there, and then the distance felt like it spanned across an entire ocean. Ross gingerly stepped into the house. It felt foreign. Everything was fogged out in his mind. He took each step with care, scanning the home. He noticed things he hadn't seen before. Small cracks, light cobwebs. Everything else wasn't really there, just the smallest of details.

Each step stalling his meeting Dan. Seeing his tall form, and deep brown eyes. The mess of hair that lived on his head, Ross' heart was caught in his throat from the feeling. He was there, entering the door. Dan sat there, on the couch, the dumb smile Ross loved painted on his face. Ross whimpered at the look of Dan, how happy he was. What if he ruined his happiness.

Hearing the whimper Dan turned to the door way. His mout opened lightly. There Ross stood, hair a light blond colour. It was feathery and almost heavenly. Danny pondered the scarf Ross was wearing. It was unusual for him, but he also had blonde hair, so he supposed it couldn't be that bad. Ross' scratches felt like they were burning, his mind dull as Dan stared at him. 'I did this because of you' he thought, but that wasn't quite right 'I did this for you' that wasn't right either, he could see the list of thoughts on a sheet of paper, each wrong one being scratched out. 'I did this because I think I love you. Because somehow you've made my world go round and stop in one place all at once. Somehow you've made me go crazy.'

Arin watched from the side, seeing their minds turn. He figured Ross did this in relation to Dan. He saw the frown on Ross' face, and realised that Danny probably had no idea what was going on. "I'm gonna be back." Arin said frowning a bit. He walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. Hopefully things would be figured out.

"Hey Dan." Ross said. His legs were trembling and he thought he might fall down. He ran his hand through his hair and chuckled nervously.

"You changed your hair." Dan said and smiled at Ross. "It looks nice." Dan patted the couch and Ross took the invitation. He sat as far away from Dan as possible. He shook and fiddled with his scarf. Dan scooted closer, not realising the state Ross was in was because of him. He smiled and brought his hand up. Carefully he touched the newly bleached hair and Ross nearly screamed. "Soft," Dan noted "I thought it might be wirey after you bleached it." Ross' heart beat quickly.

He felt Danny's breath so close to him. He could just reach out his hands, and hold Dan's face. The moment felt slow, like in a movie. Ross pulled his arms up, they felt heavier than a few moments ago. Carefully he placed them on Dan's cheeks. He leaned in and suddenly there was the feeling of lips against lips. Ross took in the feel of Danny's lips. Soft, gentle, he knew this might be the only time he could know and he wanted to remember forever. There was a small hint of skittles and vanilla to Dan and Ross, admittedly, could get addicted to it. Ross' hands jittered and his mind was spining as he tried to put this memory into the deepest part of his heart.

Dan was the one to pull away. He sucked in a deep breath and looked at Ross with a sad sort of smile. He patted Ross on the head lightly. "Sorry buddy," he murmured to Ross. "I don't like you that way." Ross let out a whimper. He ran his hands up and down his leg. The burning feeling was bursting from his stomach again and he felt like scratching away at his leg. His breath was hollow and he felt the pained pang of his headache.

"I did this for you." Ross whispered quietly, so quiet Dan had to ask him to repeat himself. "I did this for you!" He shouted standing up off of the couch. "I did this because I think I fucking love you, and you said you liked blondes. And I did this!" He pulled the scarf off of his neck. Danny gasped at the large purple bruises and deep red scratches that painted Ross' neck. There scratched into the front of his slender neck was 'BLONDE'. It was almost beautiful, and a terrible way. The contrast of the purple and red against Ross' pale skin sent shivers through Dan's body. It was scary that someone could be so consumed by one emotion. Dan just looked down at the floor. "I love you" Ross whimpered out, his legs giving out beneath him. "I . . . Love . . . You." The words became whispers as Ross fell unconscious.

***

Suzy and Arin said they would let him stay there as Holly was still out of town. They rested him on the couch and set a low white noise on in the background. Ross woke in the grump room and groaned. His head ached and his heart hurt. Quickly the memory of the morning flooded his mind and Ross became dizzy again. He felt all wrong, this wasn't how it was supposed to go. He loved Danny. What did he do wrong. Ross whined and swung his legs over the edge of the couch. He pushed himself off and swayed back and forth a bit before he felt right standing.

Slowly Ross staggered out of the room. Each step was shakey but careful. He crept to the garage of Suzy and Arin's home. He gently took the keys to one of the cars and slid into the drivers seat. He turned the vehicle on, hoping the sleeping couple wouldn't hear it. After waiting a few minuets Ross left the front in favour of laying curled up in the back.

Slowly Ross' mind became fuzzy. He envisioned what life could have been like if Dan had loved him back. He saw gentle dates, and sweet kisses. Ruffles of hair, and fits of laughter. Ross smiled happily. His body shook and his mind faded more and more.

"I love you." Ross whispered to the aperation of Danny before him. He closed his eyes, and soon was engulfed by the volatile gas.

\------

They found him the next morning. A sharp scream from Suzy and trembling hands from Arin. Somehow they managed to tell everyone. Holly was first and Dan was last. Each of them found a different way to mourn.

Suzy wept for days, remembering and writing down what she could remember about Ross. Arin started a tribute animation. He worked long into the night until his hands shook and he couldn't work anymore. Barry sat quietly, never one for much conversation. He just sat, staring into the distance. Danny and Holly spent their time together at Arin and Suzy's house.

Danny would stare at the ceiling wondering if it was his fault, and Holly would stare too. Each told the other that it couldn't be their fault. Slowly they figured out that it wasn't their faults.

Life moved back into a more normal pattern after a while. The period of mourning had passed. The group felt a bit lonely, but they were there, surviving. Laughter came back, and the channel continued.

Still, once and a while Danny would think about that morning, wondering if he could have stopped it, if it really was his fault. On those days he would visit Ross' grave and just sit and talk to him. He often stayed until dusk. Standing he would turn and whisper "I'm sorry" onto the wind. And once he could have sworn he heard Ross reply.

"It isn't your fault."


End file.
